A Brooklyn Artist's resume for the post apocalypse

Tucker McCokey

OBJECTIVE: To use my many skills to assist a king, lord, dictator, masiah, king shit or ass wupper in chief in the tri-state area in expanding his territory and fending off the invasions from The Unibrowed Avengers from Over the Hills in The Dark Place.


PREVIOUS APOCALYPSE/ END OF THE WORLD-RELATED EXPERIENCE:

Watched CNN reruns of the towers falling upon waking up at 2 p.m. on September 11, 2001.

Broke a guitar string on stage during this one packed loft party. Couldn’t nail the solo. Disaster.

Once watched hopelessly as bottle of Jim Beam fell from shelf at this one other loft party (or was it the same one?). Either way, bottle broke. Stores were closed. Beer and vodka only all night. Buzzkill.

In high school, didn’t know Wendy Hofflinger wanted to hook up with me, and she went on to do internet porn. Still kicking myself.


OTHER WORK EXPERIENCE:

In conversations with others: musician, artist, filmmaker.

On tax returns: never filed them. But if I had, dog walker, bar back, copyeditor, subsistence pot dealer.


RELEVENT SKILLS:

Went camping a bunch when I was a kid, so I’m totally cool with the migratory, outdoor existence that is your reality over there in Ramapo, just so long as you’ve got flashlights, sleeping bags, air mattresses, a stocked cooler, a Subaru outback we can sleep in in case it’s cold, and lots of pot and apparel made with goretex.

HUNTING: was Proficient at Big Buck Hunter. Would have been excellent, but I’d always shoot the doe and get locked out.

GATHERING: Once found painting just sitting there in the garbage. It was of clowns and it was really ugly, but ugly in an awesome way. Know what I mean?

FARMING: Though unable to sew, harvest or even identify a rice plant by sight, I can tell you the difference between Basmati and Jasmine by scent alone.

TRIBE COMPOUND MAINTENENCE: Once mowed my parent’s lawn in suburban Rhode Island when the landscaper was on vacation. So I could, like, mow your lawn if you have one. Not so good at edging.

COMMUNICATIONS: Can wow emaciated, shivering tribe members with detailed accounts of videos I saw on youtube in The Before Times (Like that one where that whale lands on that kyaker). Will help the group “keep it real” by periodically falling to the ground, shaking and saying, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this! This can’t be happening! I want a lime rickey! How can you tell me we don’t have lime rickies? etc.”


EDUCATION:

MFA in film studies, NYU, 2005


MISCELLANEOUS SKILLS:

Awesome beard.

Can sing 99 Red Balloon in the original German.

Some html experience.


REFERENCES: My buddy Cameron would have vouched for me, but he was devoured just last week by roving pack of Ferrell Italian Greyhounds that stormed north out of the ashed of Park Slope. So no references, I guess.

Portfolio available upon request.